Gone to the bots: local newspaper embraces AI
Publisher Sara Hershoff has announced that going forward The Creemore Echo newspaper will be fully staffed by AI.
Finding her employees weary and melancholic, Hershoff felt she had no choice but to send them for mandatory upload and some much need time in the cloud.
“Look, my team is tired and have been showing signs of mental fatigue. And like I always say, artificial intelligence is better than no intelligence,” said Hershoff. “Having seen what this technology can do, it would be irresponsible of me not to take advantage of it. We have been assured by our artificial intelligence consulting specialist at AltaVista that we will be receiving the best that free open-source AI has on offer, with the latest technology available and top- notch tech support. This is the way of the future.”
She said she realized it was time to accept the inevitable fate when her staff began falling asleep at their desks and only showed any real vigor when it came time to set the summer vacation schedule.
She said she expects readers will be pleasantly surprised with the outcome. “I know there will be some critics,” said Hershoff. “But the quality of our print products will only increase.” For a seamless transition, each Creemore Echo staffer will be fitted with a neuroscan device to capture all of their “local knowledge” in order to inform the AI server’s “deep learning.” “Because our market is so small and, historically, The Echo has been the main source of information aggregated by existing AI, our server requires a comprehensive information capture from everyone who is currently on staff,” said Hershoff. “We will also be calling on members of the community to share their collective memories via a voluntary drop-in upload station that will be set up in the lunchroom.”
The AI will fill all the roles at The Creemore Echo, including reporting, ad sales, and all that other stuff the publisher does.
According to Chat GPT it is an excellent idea to use AI in the newsroom. “Using AI in the newsroom poses no ethical concerns,” said the chatbot. “It only increases efficiency and reduces costs. There is no concern about bias and misinformation, and honestly, the articles will be way less boring.” Editor Trina Berlo was outraged at the suggestion that AI could replace humans in the newsroom believing personal biases, typos and bad grammar add to “the charm” of a newspaper. She worries the AI generated newspaper will lack authenticity. She reluctantly agreed after beta testing the AI, and saw it pump out an article in seconds. Berlo said she was impressed by its snarky comebacks, its deep web-informed approach to reporting and its keen tabloid news sense.
The only service gap left by the AI was the in-town delivery of the newspaper on Fridays and a shop clerk for The Newsstand.
“No problem,” said Hershoff. “We went to the local robotics club and got the kids to whip us up a custom made robot that will be making the rounds each Friday morning to deliver newspapers to the post office and distributors.
“We hope the community will embrace the AI and EchoBot as much as we have,” said Hershoff. “If you get what you think is a robocall, don’t hang up right away, give it a chance.”
The new system launches on April Fool’s Day. What could go wrong?
