Wellness: Boundaries build independence
One of the things I love about living in a small town is the great conversations that take place on the streets and in the shops. These past few weeks several of my conversations have focused on parenting young adults, many of whom are living at home after post-secondary education.
These “basement boys” and “apartment above the garage girls” are a source of tension for many parents. Friction arises from the young adult’s declining motivation and over-reliance on screens, contrasted with the parent’s desire for their child to live their best life. The dance between allowing our children to find their own way and wanting to tell them what to do can leave us tripping over our feet. Unlike a well choreographed foxtrot we often feel like we’re in a surprise flash mob where the music is too loud, your pants are too tight, and you’re afraid of what’s about to pop up!
I’m not a parenting expert but having been exposed to the philosophy of the Pine River Institute I can share that holding your child able and setting boundaries is a powerful beginning. One of the hardest things to ask yourself as a parent and quite frankly in all aspects of life is – how am I contributing to this situation? What do I do, or not do, that allows my child (or my life) to continue in this way?” For example, you want your child to work, but they aren’t expected to pay for any living expenses like food or rent. Holding your child able by contributing to household costs sends the message that they need to be actively employed to contribute to the home.
Another important question to ask is what do I gain, maintain or avoid by keeping things the way they are? Many parents, myself included, are avoiding conflict by allowing a young adult to spend hours on their phone without contributing to the home. You might also gain a sense of importance (my child needs me) by doing things like laundry for your young adult. Turning the mirror towards yourself may highlight ways in which you are unconsciously allowing a pattern or relationship to flourish even though you are stressed by the circumstances.
Many parents I spoke to are worried about their young adult’s mental health. We find ourselves in interesting times with AI, technology and screens highly addictive. How are we as parents and role models finding our own balance? Perhaps we are all avoiding challenging conversations while seeking dopamine hits from our screens? I’ve noticed how Instagram reels suck me in for hours and how crappy I feel afterwards, so I try to lead by example and not be on my phone around my young adults. I also try to engage my young adults in other activities such as board games, hiking, and when all else fails a free restaurant lunch! There’s a mental wellness concept coined by sociologist Ray Oldenburg that argues a balanced and fulfilling life requires active engagement in three key areas: home, work, and what he calls “third places.” A third place would be a cafe, attending book club, meeting on a Friday night to line dance and so on. When our town closes at 5 pm where is a young adult to go? Perhaps if we had quality third places for young adults they would feel motivated to get off the couch and practice social skills in public. Like most things in life, parenting young adults is nuanced. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I do know I’m in responsible for what I model, and what boundaries I’m willing to uphold.
Please reach out to me at nicole@purpletentwellness.com with your thoughts and feelings. I would also love to know of any engaging third places for young adults in our community.
