Christmas survival guide for families
Family-oriented holidays usually stir up a range of feelings about spending time with people we love, and not all of those feelings are good.
For most families there are huge expectations that Christmas will be a time when everyone is happy and everything is perfect, and because the bar gets set so high, we are often disappointed. It is a set-up for disaster, so we all develop ways of dealing with this.
The foolish among us hold onto child-like memories of the magic and wonder that Christmas once was, and exhaust ourselves in order to re-create it again, year after year. The cynical among us, with no magical Christmas illusions, know that we need to brace ourselves, spend a wad of cash, and get through it all with a stiff glass of eggnog. And then there is that special breed of human being – the avoiders – who can stay in Christmas denial right until Dec. 24 when they engage in a flurry of guilt-driven, last minute spending that makes for great gifts, and large credit card balances. And when the dishes are piled up at the end of the day, we all ask ourselves, was it worth it, was it meaningful, did we really connect with the ones we love, or did we just survive Christmas?
How do we avoid the disappointment, the drama, and the exhaustion, and truly enjoy our families on what should be a spiritual and meaningful holiday? Could we, would we, should we, dare to change our expectations? We humans have a short memory for pain, so we tend to mindlessly repeat traditions without thinking though the implications. If we don’t want “year after year” to be “tear after tear” we have to re-arrange our expectations and plan something different.
It’s (theoretically) simple! First, take an inventory of you and your family members’ various needs. Then, accept the reality that you are not going to be able to meet all of those needs. And finally, prioritize. Is it more important for you to sleep in your own bed on Christmas Eve, or make your mom and dad happy by waking up at their house on Christmas morning?
How much money can you really afford to spend on gifts, and can you live with the idea that your gifts will be ordinary rather than spectacular?
Do you really need to make the entire Christmas dinner, just because you always have, and people are expecting your candied yams, or could you give the recipe to your daughter-in-law and ask her to bring them.
Risky stuff, I know. But maybe some of these painful decisions will prevent feelings of resentment, lower your stress, give you time to really connect with those you care about, maintain a boundary with others so you can remain sane, slip past the family drama, and avoid a nasty credit-card surprise in January.
Christmas may be about giving, but it does not mean you have to give your self away! Figure out what you want and be clear about what you are willing to give to others.
Isn’t that what being a family is all about anyway – giving and taking to balance out everyone’s needs?
Liz van Ryn, M.Sc. RP is a family therapist in private practice just west of Creemore. Find her at www.creeksidetherapy.ca.
