Wellness: Bid welcome to fear, anxiety

Like many of us, I grew up believing that some feelings were good and some were bad; and bad feelings like fear, anger or sadness should be ignored and repressed. Fear, anxiety, guilt, shame and sadness don’t feel good in the body so many of us develop strategies to not feel them.

Excessively keeping busy, numbing, or constantly getting a feel good hit of dopamine from activities like gaming or social media are ways to escape and not feel. I attempted not to feel by controlling my body via extreme dieting and exercise, and pursuing academic perfection. These not feeling strategies tend to work in the short-term, but in the long run they can implode and make bad feelings worse. When this happens many of us step up our not feeling game and find ourselves addicted to phones, work, gambling, drinking, not eating, or escaping through drugs. What started out as a tactic to gain control over bad feelings can turn into a game of “whack-a-mole” where fear, sadness, and unworthiness keep popping up in unexpected places despite our best attempts to control how and when they appear. Turns out there’s no end to moles and your club starts to lose power. I remember one particular night where I battled multiple fear and shame moles into the wee hours of the morning only to hear a tiny voice say “invite them in.” With trepidation I did what any exhausted mole hunter would do when overrun with moles, I gave up. I actually said out loud “ok fear, come and do your worst. I surrender.” What happened… nothing. Right when I was convinced I was going to be overtaken by fear, inviting it in made it melt. Like Rumi’s poem, I experienced a moment of tranquility by allowing unexpected visitors. The mustard seed of hope was planted. What happened next was a gentle and conscious unfurling of control by allowing all my feelings to be seen, felt, heard and witnessed. It wasn’t easy and there were times I was worried that all this allowing would negatively impact my mental health, but turns out that was just another fear-based mole in sheep’s clothing. With the support of a good therapist, dance, journaling, energy medicine, and a strong desire to no longer be held hostage by heavy and unpleasant feelings, I allowed my way out of the pit of anxiety. I’m friends with all my feeling guests now, even Uncle Fear. I know when he shows up it means I’ve got something that’s in need of expression and acceptance. At multiple points in the day I like to take stock of who’s at my table – joy, sadness, envy, freedom, fear – and offer them a comfortable seat. Turns out the heavier feelings don’t like being invited to the party so they usually leave. If you find yourself with some unwelcome feeling guests this holiday season, try gifting them a way to be seen – draw, journal, sing, dance, or breathe slowly with them. You might find that they offer their seat to Aunt Acceptance and Uncle Joy.